It’s months later.
The music is gone.
It’s silent now.
It’s 4 AM and I can’t sleep. Again. This is every day now.
I’m not skiing. I’m not playing soccer. I talk about the case and I start to shake. I can’t control it. I start to shout. Any time anybody questions me. Did you punch him? What about this? What about that? I’m shouting now. Shaking again. IT’S SO OBVIOUS. I go from 0 to 60 immediately. 90. 100. I’m pointing out the ridiculous parts. It’s a family dinner. I want to throw my plate against the wall. I’m reliving it. It’s all back current and real. My mother comes over and tells me that “most people, you know,” she says, “most people would have probably gotten some kind of therapy.” She puts her arm around me. Maybe I should have seen someone.
But this is the best way to deal with it that you can imagine.
But it’s the craziest thing you can think of.
You ask Mike at a party and he’s got 15 questions that he throws out all at once out of nowhere. Perfect yes/no questions.
He’s talking to someone else, You interrupt him. 10 more.
You roll him out of bed, hung over. 15. 20. Perfect. All at once. All in a row. No way out. “It doesn’t pass the sniff test,” he says.
You pull Mike out of bed at 4 in the morning after a bender and he’ll cross examine better than half the lawyers in the country.
My father’s saying that it’s a corrupt system. That I’ll never win. That I “HAVE TO GET A LAWYER.”
You’re wondering why Mike’s not a lawyer.
I’m wondering how we can get Mike to represent me. He can be my interpreter. I’ve lost my voice…
As the days go by.
As the date gets nearer.
I’m sitting here.
How’s this dog and pony show going to turn out?
I’m wondering if I’m going to scream? Or panic?
If I make it a joke or if I yell at them or mock them, then I’m the one that did it. But if I don’t do a good job as a lawyer then I lose.
And I’m the one that did it.
I have to cross examine them. Will I be able to speak to them without screaming?
As they lie to me?
How will I deal with it?
It’s the hardest thing in the world.
It’s the greatest feeling.
Will I be able to talk?
I’ve got it dialed.
I’m way over my head.
4 AM. Wide awake. Again.
You represent yourself - you’re all alone.
The music is gone now.
It’s the scariest thing in the world.
It’s the best thing ever.
I want to run away from it.
I can’t wait.
I’m sitting here.
Staring at the wall.
What the fuck am I doing?